About Empathic Parenting

There are many names and variations of the type of discipline that I practice and teach. The commonalities include: treating children respectfully and with empathy, teaching children using positive (non-punitive) discipline, and parenting consciously (in a mindful way, with regard to the long-term results).

I chose the term "Empathic Parenting" because it describes a combination of models which I am in the process of solidifying, all of which employ empathy and respect as definitive qualities.

Empathy

Empathy means "being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another". Empathy is about putting ourselves into our children’s shoes and really hearing what they have to say. I chose the term "Empathic" based on my belief that children's goal is for connection, and that misbehaviors are based on a need. Needs can be obvious, like hunger, or they can be more subtle, like a need for feeling safe (which includes a need to understand the limits of one's environment and have those limits be consistently and respectfully set), or a need for autonomy and respect.  This is not to imply that the parent has to always and immediately meet all of the child’s needs - just that the parent is teaching the child to get those needs met in an appropriate way.  Empathy means allowing and supporting the child in feeling strong emotions, as well as taking ownership of our own emotions.

I believe we all have a strong need for connection and belonging. I see it as my job not to train my son to do something exactly my way, but to teach him to navigate the complex web of relationships that allows us all to get our needs met while respecting and contributing to meeting the needs of others. I had a revelation years ago from a book called, "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" - Becky Bailey said something like, “when you are yelling at your child to clean their room, the teaching you are doing really isn't about room cleaning. It is about how, when you have a need (for a clean environment), do you get that need met? How do you handle your strong feelings about this need? (By yelling)?” In other words, the modeling is much more powerful than the words, and the teaching really is at a meta-level—it’s not about cleaning.

Emotional ownership is a key part of Empathic Parenting.  This means that I am responsible for my own emotions; no-one else controls how I feel (I’m learning to step back when I hear myself think, “you are making me angry!” and own that emotion myself by choosing a different response). This also means I allow and teach my child to own his emotions by not trying to control how he feels (e.g., trying to convince him to be happy when he is angry or sad, or by shaming, threatening, etc).  Empathy means showing understanding and support for his right to have his emotions (often in concert with staying firm on the limit that created the feeling in the first place), and not trying to change them.  (By the way, this is much easier said than done—it’s a constant struggle for me as I am a chronic people pleaser).

Non-punitive Discipline

"Discipline" has many meanings. It's origin is "to teach". The dictionary meaning I relate to most is "the treatment suited to a disciple or learner; education; development of the faculties by instruction and exercise". The “Discipline” part of Empathic Parenting is respectful and non-punitive.

The dictionary defines punishment as "Any pain, suffering, or loss inflicted on a person because of a crime or offense." (The antonym of punitive, just as an interesting tidbit, is rehabilitative). The goal of punishment is to make the child feel remorse/shame/fear. Alfie Kohn defines punishment in this way: “To punish kids, very simply, is to make something unpleasant happen to them-or prevent them from experiencing something pleasant-usually with the goal of changing their future behavior (but sometimes retribution).” 

My definition of punitive is an imposed result that is based on the idea that the child is supposed to feel badly for their behavior or feel fear of a result. I believe that people who feel bad about themselves, often will act badly. Forcing a child to feel ashamed, fearful, or remorseful doesn't teach them effectively in the long run - though it may temporarily curb the behavior, it doesn’t teach them the long-term values it is intended to (in many cases it backfires and has the opposite effect).

Most parenting “tools” can be used punitively or respectfully—much depends on the intent and tone. I believe that many uses of time-out (though there are positive ones as well), removal of privileges, and sometimes logical consequences, are punitive—they are based on a belief that if the child feels badly about his behavior he will choose to change it and will learn not to misbehave in the future, and hence will, by repetition, acquire the associated value.  I have become convinced that is not generally true. Instead, children who feel empowered, respected, and connected; who feel capable of getting their needs met in an appropriate way and solving their own problems; and who feel good about themselves will consequently act better and internalize these values.

Respect

This model is also based on a strong belief of mutual respect.  As the Teaching Positive Discipline class taught me, mutual respect means not, “I will respect you and you will respect me”, but “I respect you and I respect myself, and I allow you to do the same.” Respect is earned and modeled, not demanded. Many philosophies that claim not to be authoritarian are still based on controlling children either with punishment/negative reinforcement or rigid rules laid down by the parent with no input from the child. I'm not saying rules are inherently bad; I simply believe children should be involved in defining the rules and understanding why they are in place. This shows them respect, gives them autonomy and connection, and very importantly, teaches them how to respect other people's needs in their solutions to problems. The solutions / rules shouldn't violate the parent's personal boundaries or values, and the parent has to make sure the rules meet her needs also, but there is plenty of room for the child's opinions, needs, and beliefs to be incorporated as well.

On the other hand, it’s not enough to respect our children without respecting our own needs and feelings at the same time. We need to show respect to ourselves.  Again, like all complex concepts, respect is taught mainly by modeling.  When we don’t respect ourselves, our children often model that in one of two ways.  They may decide we don’t deserve respect, since that is the message we send. Or, they may mimic us and grow up without respect for themselves.

Empathy, non-punitive discipline, and respect are all intertwined in Empathic Parenting.   There are many tools and ways to accomplish this, yet even so it is not an easy path.  To follow this path, we must apply these same principles to ourselves—showing ourselves empathy and respect, and thinking non-punitively (non-judgmentally) toward ourselves as well as our children.  Then, like our children, we will feel more capable, and consequently learn new, more effective behaviors.

Lisa Stroyan